Let The Games Begin
by JoyfulHeartEO
Summary: After a very difficult case, Olivia kissed Elliot in need for some comfort. How will Elliot react? And what happens when someone or something tears them apart? Will Elliot let her go? Or will he have a plan up his sleeve to help her find herself?
1. Chapter 1

**Okay guys...I've been thinking about this story for awhile now and I'm really excited about it. I really hope you like it :) Let me know what you think and I'll update as soon as possible! **

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><p>Olivia Benson was lying on one of the beds in the Cribs. She had just worked a 36 hour shift trying to solve one of the worst cases she and the rest of the Manhattan SVU had ever seen. They had captured a man who had kidnapped, raped, brain washed over 25 girls under the age of 15. She couldn't get the images of the young girls faces out of her mind, the fear and the pain. They were underfed, beaten and a few were even pregnant. Olivia felt sick thinking about all those girls who had no one to go home too and how their lives would never be normal.<p>

She was exhausted, but every time she closed her eyes she saw the mans face. She had seen a lot of disgusting men who hurt women but he was one of a kind. He was most definitely a monster.

Sighing she sat up knowing she wasn't going to get any sleep, and she didn't want to go home because the thought of being alone scared her. At least here there were people downstairs…she felt safer here.

She put her head in her hands and tried to will away the tears that began spilling out of her eyes when the door opened. "Liv?"

She lifted her head quickly and wiped her tears away. "Hi…yeah…I'm here."

Elliot stood in the doorway looking in the dimly lit room at his partner. He saw the sag in her shoulders, the bags under her eyes and the desperate look on her face. In the last few months he had seen her slowly but surely falling apart and he wasn't sure what to do about it. He had talked to George, who tried to talk to her but Olivia just brushed him off pretending she had no problems.

He had been divorced for a year now, but his relationship had been over for much longer than that. Everyone knew that…in the past few weeks he had tried to think of something to do to help Olivia. He saw her slipping from the real world and he wanted nothing more than to save her…he just didn't know how too.

He stepped into the room slowly, he knew if he pushed her she would run and right now she needed comfort more than anything right now.

"Liv why don't you go home and get some sleep?" Elliot asked. "I'll drive you if you want."

Olivia licked her lips and looked down at her hands, she realized they were shaking. "I can't sleep…"

Elliot walked all the way over to her and sat on the bed across from her. "Yeah…me either. I can't get those girls faces out of my head…"

Olivia stared at him for a moment. "Elliot…I don't know how much more of this I can take." She whispered. "I love this job…I love helping people. But it hurts to damn much. I'm not sleeping anymore…I can't eat anything. The only thing I do is work…the only people I see are my co-workers, the victims and the perps." She shook her head. "That's not a life…it's hell."

Elliot tried to lighten the mood. "Seeing me is hell?"

She smiled at him. "You know what I mean Elliot…"

Elliot nodded. "Yeah I do. Every since Kathy and I got divorced…I've been feeling the same way. I know it wasn't right for us to be together but it was still nice to have someone to go home too. Now I go home to a empty apartment…no kids, no wife."

"At least you have kids." Olivia said pulling her legs up onto the bed and tucking them underneath her. "I'm literally alone…I have no one."

"You have me." Elliot said softly. "You know you can tell me anything…"

Olivia licked her lips. "I never thought I'd feel burnt out by the job…but I really do."

Elliot stared at her for a moment. "Do you think you want to leave?"

Olivia sighed for a moment and tucked her hair behind her ear. "I don't know…I can't imagine doing anything else. But…at the same time…I can't see myself continuing to live like this. It's not normal…it's not healthy."

Elliot shrugged. "What's a normal life anyway? Healthy…no probably not. You have lost a lot of weight recently…"

"Do you think…those girls will ever be okay?" Olivia asked. "I mean…will they be able to move on with their lives? Or will they always be traumatized by what that animal did to them?"

Elliot sighed. "You know I can't really answer that…every victim is different. They have to want help. I'd say it's about 50/50 ya know? Some of them could live a happy life…"

"But most of them…they'll continue down that vicious circle. Drugs…prostitution…they'll end up dead. So what's the point?" Olivia asked. "What's the point of saving them?"

Elliot stared at her, she never talked liked this. "Because no one deserves to be treated the way that man treated them…they needed to be taken out of the situation. For all we know all of them could move on and be happy."

Olivia licked her lips and whispered softly. "Even the ones that were pregnant?"

Elliot knew that this was what was bothering her the most. "Look at you…you turned out great."

Olivia stared at him. "You have to say that. And I'm not talking about me…but if we were…they'd be in my Mom's shoes. And she…" Olivia trailed off. "Drank herself into a drunken stupor until she fell down a flight of stairs and finally put herself out of her misery. That's not a life either…"

"Why did you become a cop?" Elliot asked.

She stared at him for a moment. "What?"

"Why did you become a cop?" He asked again. "I mean it's not something you just wake up one morning and decide you want to do. I grew up wanting to be a cop just like my Dad…so what was your reason?"

Olivia swallowed hard. "I wanted to get justice for all the victims out there. I wanted to show the perps that they weren't in control…"

Elliot nodded. "Exactly. And that's what you do everyday. I know that sometimes it seems like it isn't worth it…when we don't get to a victim in time…when a perp gets away with it…" He shook his head. "Sometimes it's easier to just walk away…but we can't. You can't. This is what you were born to do Olivia…yes you were brought into this world as a product of rape. But you were put on this Earth to save and protect people…I know that is true. If you decide you want to leave…I'll support you. I want you to be happy because you're my best friend…but I think you'll regret it." Elliot said. "This is who you are…"

Olivia stared at him, her heart began racing and she couldn't hide her feelings anymore. It had been twelve years that she was in love with this man and in this moment she needed to feel something real. Without second guessing it she leaned forward and captured his lips with hers for the first time ever.

Elliot was shocked at first when she kissed him, he thought about pushing her away but he couldn't. He had been dreaming about this moment since the day that Cragen introduced him. But he was Catholic and he could never betray his wife even if he didn't love her anymore. But now he was single…he could let this happen. Especially now that he knew she felt the same way.

Olivia pulled back quickly finally realizing what she had just done. "Oh God…Elliot I'm so sorry. I didn't mean too…I'm just-"

"It's okay." Elliot whispered staring at her lips in the dark room. "It's okay…I…liked it."

Olivia felt the heat rise in her body as his eyes transfixed themselves on her lips. "I was just…this whole case…I shouldn't have done that."

"I wanted it just as much as you did." He said moving closer to her. "You can do it again if you want…"

"Elliot I-" She started to say again when the door opened again.

"Stabler." Munch said interrupting them. "Cragen is looking for you."

Olivia looked at John but Elliot didn't move his eyes away from her. "I'll be there in a minute…" Elliot said.

"He said you had to come right now." Munch said oblivious to what he had just walked into. "He seemed upset."

Elliot sighed and looked at Munch. "I'm coming now."

Munch nodded and walked out of the room. "You should go…" Olivia whispered.

"We're not done talking about this." Elliot said staring at her. "Okay?"

"Elliot there's nothing to talk about." Olivia said. "I was just feeling really vulnerable and…"

"It's more than that." Elliot said leaning forward to kiss her forehead. "Just…try and rest okay? You look exhausted…I'll talk to Cragen and then I'll come back up."

Olivia stared directly into his eyes and saw hope there and she couldn't help but smile, maybe she could be happy afterall. "Okay…"

He smiled. "Okay. Close you're eyes."

When Elliot left the room, Olivia lay back in bed thinking about the feleing of Elliot's lips against hers. For the first time in days, she was able to see something other than the perps face when she closed her eyes. She saw Elliot's face…smiling at her and it was the perfect image to help her fall asleep.

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><p>Two hours later, Olivia rolled over on the bed feeling rested but still tired. She hadn't expected to sleep so long when she looked at her watch, she sighed. Where was Elliot? She had expected him to come back sooner. She yawned as she stood up and walked down the hallway to go downstairs.<p>

"Hello sleeping beauty." Munch said as he sat at his desk. "Thank you for joining us."

Olivia rubbed her eyes. "Sorry…I didn't realize I was so tired."

Munch shrugged. "No big deal. The paper work is all finished…Casey is working over time at the office right now."

Olivia nodded. "Good. Good." She looked around the office. "Hey…where's Elliot?"

"He left." Munch said. "About an hour ago…he told me to tell you he was sorry and that he would call you soon."

Olivia looked at him quickly. "Wait…he left?" Olivia asked. "What do you mean he left? He said he was coming back upstairs…we were talking and-"

"Elliot won't be back for awhile." Cragen said walking into the office.

Olivia looked at her boss, tears threatening to spill over. "Why? Where is he?"

"The FBI saw the work you guys did on this case. They are calling him up to help them crack another case." Cragen said. "It could take a few weeks…maybe longer. He didn't have time to say goodbye to anyone…you know how it is."

Olivia felt her heart sink to her stomach. "He's gone?"

"He'll be back." Munch said walking over to him. "Are you okay Liv?" He asked as he took in her facial expression.

Olivia blinked hard. "Yeah…sorry…still a little tired I think."

Cragen nodded. "Why don't you take a few days off? This case was tough…and you and Elliot were here the most. Go home…sleep and take care of yourself. Call me when you're ready to come back."

Olivia felt herself nodding as she walked towards her desk and gathered her jacket and keys. Everything was spinning but somehow she managed to hail a cab and make it to her apartment building. When she walked into her apartment, she walked straight to the bedroom and lay down on the bed. She closed her eyes and hoped that she could drift away in a peaceful sleep once more…but she couldn't.

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><p>Three days later, Olivia had barely gotten out of bed unless she was eating or going to the bathroom. She had not heard from Elliot, but quite frankly she didn't really expect too. If he was with the FBI, she knew that he wouldn't be able to contact her. She was lying in bed staring at the ceiling when she heard her bedroom door open, she didn't even react but she was relieved when she saw that it was only Casey.<p>

"I used the emergency key you gave me." Casey said walking to the edge of the bed. "We've been calling for days and you haven't responded…I came to see that you were still alive."

Olivia sat up and ran a hand through her tangled hair. "Yes I'm alive…"

"But barely…" Casey said sitting down beside her. "God Liv…what happened to you?"

Olivia sighed. "I don't know…I've just been feeling off lately. I think this case really just pushed me over the edge."

"I know it was tough…but you seemed kind of okay when I left the precinct the other day when I left." Casey said. "Is this about Elliot leaving?"

Olivia felt her heart jump at the sound of his name. "No…"

Casey reached into her bag and pulled out a large envelope. "This came from Elliot…it was at the precinct. It was addressed to you."

"What is it?" Olivia asked taking it from Casey's hands, she rubbed her hands over the front where he had written her name.

"I don't know…" Casey said. "Why don't you open it?"

Olivia looked back down at the envelope and sighed. "I kissed Elliot…" She blurted out.

Casey sat in shock for a minute before she put a hand on Olivia's hand. "Wow…what happened? What did he do?"

Olivia laughed. "I don't know…one minute we were talking about the case…and how I was feeling overwhelmed. And then he was saying all these things…"

"What things?" Casey asked.

"About me…about how he thought that I was brought to this world to save people and that I couldn't walk away. He was just breaking down all my walls and I needed to feel something real…so I kissed him." She whispered the last part.

"Did he freak out?" Casey asked.

Olivia shook her head. "No. He let me kiss him…I mean he kind of kissed me back. And then I pulled away when I realized what I had done…but he said it was okay. He said he wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss him…he told me I could do it again. And then…Munch walked in saying that Cragen was looking for him."

"That's when he got called up by the FBI…" Casey said.

"Yeah…he told me he was coming back to talk to me about it." Olivia said. "He told me to wait up in the Cribs…but he never came up. So I went downstairs to look for him…I was afraid he regretted it at that point. And then Cragen said he was gone…"

"Oh Liv…" Casey said squeezing her hand. "I'm sorry."

Olivia shook her head. "This is so stupid. I never should have kissed him…I probably just lost the only person I care about the most."

"You didn't lose him." Casey said. "He's just…away for a little while. I'm sure that when he gets back you two will talk about it and everything will be fine."

"But what if he just wants to be friends again? I mean…I don't even know what that kiss meant! I know what I wanted when I kissed him…I wanted us to be together. But…what if he doesn't want that? What if he comes back and says that it was all a mistake…am I just supposed to pretend that I don't care about him?" Olivia asked.

"No." Casey said shaking her head. "You need to be honest with him about your feelings. But…truth be told…I really think that he loves you. I think he wants to be with you."

"You think…but you don't know." Olivia said shaking her head. "Only Elliot knows how he feels…what he wants. But now he's gone and I can't talk to him…"

"Well maybe he wrote the letter to tell you how he felt?" Casey asked. "Why don't you open it?"

"I'm afraid…" Olivia whispered. "I'm afraid that it's going to say that he regrets it and that when he gets back we can never talk about it again."

"But what if it says everything you want it to say? What if it says that he loves you…that he wants to be with you and only you? If you don't open it…you'll never know." Casey said smiling.

Olivia took a deep breath. "You're right…"

"Great. Now open it and read it out loud." Casey said. "I'm dying to know what he says…"

Olivia opened the envelope and pulled out a very thick letter, a photo fell onto her lap. She picked it up and smiled, it was one of her favorite pictures of her and Elliot. It was from a Christmas party a few years back, Elliot's arm was wrapped around her shoulders, he wasn't looking at the camera but directly at her, a smile on his face. Olivia was laughing, she couldn't remember being as happy as she was that night.

"Look at the smile on your face…" Casey said taking the picture from her hands. "Only one person can make you smile like that…"

Olivia felt the blush grow on her cheeks. "Shut up."

Casey laughed. "What does the letter say?"

Olivia unfolded the thick packet and began to read the first page out loud:  
><em>Olivia,<br>This isn't exactly how I wanted to have this conversation but it seems that I don't really have any other choice. I'm sorry that I couldn't say goodbye to you…but you know how the FBI is. I'm on a plane as I write this off to an undisclosed location…it seems like it's taking forever to get there. But mostly I think it's taking so long because it's taking me farther and farther away from you.  
>For the past few months I've watched you slowly start to fall apart and it's been killing me. I've wanted to say something for a long time…but I never know quiet what to say when you're sad. If I had it my way…you'd never be sad. It breaks my heart when I know you're hurt…the truth of the matter is you aren't just my best friend or my partner at work Olivia. I'm in love with you.<em>

Casey nudged Olivia who seemed to have lost her voice after she read the last sentence. "Well at least we know now that he feels the same way…"

"He loves me?" Olivia whispered softly. "Elliot loves me?"

Casey rolled her eyes and took the letter from Olivia. "I could have told you that sweet heart…now I want to hear the rest of that letter. So where were we? Oh that's right:

_"…the truth of the matter is you aren't just my best friend or my partner at work Olivia. I'm in love with you.  
>I don't know if I can pick an exact date as to when I fell in love with you…but I can't really remember a time when I wasn't in love with you. We both know that my relationship with Kathy was over way before we actually got divorced. I love Kathy…because she gave me my children. But I'm not in love with her…not like I'm in love with you. But because of my pride I couldn't end it…and even now it hurts to know that I'm divorced. But when you kissed me…I thought maybe I didn't have to be alone forever. I would have kissed you sooner…I just didn't think you felt the same way.<em>

Casey laughed. "God for Detectives…you too are really oblivious when it comes to your own lives."

"Shut up." Olivia said taking the letter back from her.

_ But now that I know how you feel…I want to be with you. I need you to know that…I really do want to be with you. I know you pretty well…so I'm worried that since I had to leave you were going to think I didn't care or that I regretted the kiss. But I don't. I hate that I had to leave and I'm going to do everything I can to get back as soon as possible.  
>As much as I want to be with you…I'm afraid that you aren't ready for a relationship. <em>

"Great…he thinks I'm a fragile and incapable of being loved." Olivia said.

"Well…you are kind of a mess right now. And I'm trying to be supportive here but when was the last time that you showered?" Casey asked.

"Shut up!" Olivia yelled again before looking down at the letter again.

_"It's obvious that you have some stuff to work through and that's okay. You're a strong woman Olivia…but you've been holding a lot in for too long. If you don't start talking…you're going to fall apart. And I'll do everything I can to help you through whatever it is you are going through…but I need you to work with me. So this is why I'm writing this letter…there's more to it than what I'm saying now.  
>I don't know when I'm going to be back…but before I do I want you to find yourself."<em>

"Find myself?" Olivia asked. "What does that mean? I'm pretty sure I know where I am…who I am."

"We're never going to finish this letter if you don't stop asking questions." Casey said taking the letter again.

_"I know you probably are really confused right now…but that's okay. What I mean is that before you and I can be together you need to live your life for yourself and not the victims. The only way a relationship can work is if the two people involved knows what makes them happy…so inside this packet you will find a list of things to do everyday while I'm gone. But before you read them…there are a few rules.  
>First…only do one thing each day on the list. Second, don't read ahead…and don't skip any just because you don't feel like doing them or are afraid. I'm hoping by the end of the list…I'll finally be home and you can tell me all about your experiences. I wish I could be there with you…but maybe it's better that I'm not. This is something you need to do alone…something you need to do for yourself.<br>Third, take a picture each day so I know that you actually complete each item on the list.  
>The fourth rule is, don't just do the activities…really put yourself in the middle of it. Take the time to think about what you're doing and how it makes you feel. Think about why I'm asking you to do it.<br>The fifth and final rule is…allow yourself to cry if you need too. I know as cops we often think that tears show weakness but they don't. I'm starting to realize they show strength, because if you can admit that you're hurting you're much stronger than you think.  
>I talked to my superior…and he said that I might be able to call you every now and then. So I will check up on you…don't think just because I'm not there that you can pretend to do this. If we want to be together…I think this is really important for you to do. If not for yourself…than do it for me. Okay?<br>Now…turn to the first item on the list…read it…then put this away until tomorrow. Good luck, have fun…and don't forget about me._

Love,  
>Elliot<p>

Casey looked up at Olivia who had tears in her eyes. "Wow…who knew that Elliot Stabler was such a romantic?"

"He left me a list of things to do?" Olivia asked. "This is weird…"

"Weird to you…romantic to me." Casey said smiling. "He wants you to find yourself Olivia…its gotta be that whatever is on this list will make you realize things about yourself."

"But I know who I am." Olivia said shaking her head.

"Do you really though? I mean…don't get me wrong Liv you're an amazing Detective. But what else is there to Olivia Benson? You hide yourself away from everyone so we can't get to know what's really in that heart of yours…" Casey said shrugging. "Maybe this will help you open up a little. And maybe…just maybe it will be exactly what you need to let yourself be loved by Elliot."

Olivia sighed and took the letter from Casey and flipped to the next page where the number 1 was written with the words: "_Tonight's easy…take a night off. Take a bubble bath…drink a glass of wine and watch a movie that makes you cry. Don't just cry because of the movie…cry because of how it makes you feel. Think about everything you've been holding in for years and let it all out…Then get some sleep and be ready to start fresh tomorrow for number 2."_

"Well that request isn't that hard…" Casey said. "And you do need to bathe…"

"I hate you." Olivia said glaring at her friend. "I still don't know about this…"

Casey sighed. "Fine…do number one tonight…and then I'll come by tomorrow and we can look at number two. If you don't want to do it…then we'll deal with it then."

"You really wouldn't make me do the rest of the things he's going to ask me to do?" Olivia asked.

Casey shook her head. "God no! You're doing it…all of it. Even if I have to do it all with you. Now go…take a bath. I'll bring you some wine and then we can find a movie to watch okay? And trust me…you will cry tonight."

Olivia watched Casey go before she lay back on the bed again. She let herself have a moment before she looked at the letter again and found herself stuck on the words "Love, Elliot". She was devastated that he wasn't there…but if he had taken the time to do this for her she could take the time to do what he asked.

So she picked herself up off the bed and walked to the bathroom and prepared for her bubble bath. As she submerged herself in the water she thought…let the games begin.

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><p><strong>So what did you think? I realize it might be a little out of character for Elliot...but hey fanfiction is about writing our own stories right? If you like it let me knowwwww! :) <strong> 


	2. Days two through four

**Hello all! I'm glad you are so excited about this story :) Just so you know...each chapter will have a few days all wrapped into one. I can only write so much about each assignment that Elliot gives Olivia. So this chapter is days 2-4. Some tasks will be longer than others. Hope you enjoy this chapter :) **

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><p>The next morning, Olivia rolled out of bed feeling extremely refreshed. She done as the note had said and taken a bubble bath while enjoying a glass of red wine. Then Casey had picked out a movie that always seemed to make Olivia cry: 'A Walk To Remember' and left her alone to sit and cry. And cry she did…practically through the entire movie.<p>

It was strange…she usually always cried when she watched this movie but this time she couldn't hold any tears in. She was crying for the couple in the movie, for herself and for Elliot for all the pain they had both felt. Usually she hated crying, but that night as she cried it felt good…it gave her release.

As per Elliot's request, as she watched the movie she set up her camera and set the timer. The picture was of her lounging on the couch in her bathrobe, glass of wine in her hand, hair wet and messy with tears streaming down her face as she watched the movie. She couldn't believe she had done this for Elliot…

She sat up slowly and stretched out ready to start the day when her bedroom door opened again making her jump. "Jesus Casey! You can't keep letting yourself into my apartment!"

"I knocked…you didn't answer." Casey said shrugging before jumping into bed with Olivia. "So…how did your night go?"

"It was fine." Olivia said rolling her eyes and collapsing in bed again.

"Did you cry?" Casey said. "I mean really cry?"

Olivia laughed. "Yes. I did. You happy now?"

"Just making sure that you did as Elliot requested. I want to be able to tell him you listened when he gets back." Casey said sitting up. "Where's the letter? Let's see what he tells you to do on day two."

"You do realize that Elliot left this for me to do right? Not you?" Olivia asked sitting up and reaching to the bedside table to get the envelope again.

"Yes. But…I'm nosy and I want to know to see what Elliot says." Casey said.

"Let me guess…last night you ran straight to the precinct and told everyone about the letter." Olivia said.

Casey smiled. "Of course. But apparently Elliot sent a letter to Cragen too requesting you get time off work on days when you need to complete some of the more involved tasks."

"Fantastic." Olivia said rolling her eyes. "Just what I need…the rest of the squad in my business."

"How is that different than every other day of your life? We're always in your business…" Casey said shrugging.

Olivia laughed. "I guess you're right." She opened the envelope and took out the packet again and flipped to the third page where the second days request was written.

She began to read out loud: _Good morning. How did you sleep? Did the crying make you feel better? I hope so. Today's' request is quite simple…go to the nearest park, sit on a swing and swing as high as you can. Throw your head back and close your eyes and let the wind whip through your hair. Just listen to the sound of your own breathing and the sound of the rushing air and the children laughing. Soak in the moment and enjoy it._

"This is his idea of a soul searching activity? Swing with my eyes closed?" Olivia asked.

Casey rolled her eyes. "There has to be some meaning behind it…you better do it. I'll come with you to take the picture."

"I'm going to look like a total freak." Olivia said. "I'm going to be the only adult there…"

"So what?" Casey asked. "Why do you care so much what other people think of you? Are you going to do this about every little thing he tells you to do? If you are…you might as well just give up now and not even attempt anymore of these. If you do…I'll be really disappointed. And so will Elliot…and who knows maybe at the end of this you'll find what it is he meant you to find."

Olivia sighed and looked down at Elliot's hand writing, once again wishing he was near her instead of out on some ridiculous mission for the FBI. She threw the covers off of her body and went to her dresser, searching for something to wear.

"What are you doing?" Casey asked.

"Well if I'm going to do this…I'm going to put some real clothes again. If I show up in my PJ's I'll look like even more of a freak. Some parent would have to call the cops on me wouldn't they?" Olivia asked.

"Yes!" Casey said jumping out of Olivia's bed. "I'll go get the camera, meet me in the living room when you're ready!"

Olivia laughed as she pulled out her favorite pair of jeans. "This better be worth it Elliot Stabler…" She mumbled to herself.

When they got to the park, it was full of little kids and their parents. Olivia wanted nothing more than to turn around and run back to her apartment and never leave her bedroom. But Casey had a strong hold on her arm, she was not going to let her leave without sitting on that swing.

"You can me this hard…or you can make this easy." Casey said.

Olivia stared her. "I'm going…I'm going."

Olivia moved away from Casey and went to the swings, keeping her eyes away from all the people at the park. She sat down on the farthest swing away from everyone under a tree. She felt silly since she was so tall, her feet hit the ground with ease and it wasn't going to be easy to swing as high as the other children on the play ground.

"So…are you going to do this or do I have to push you?" Casey asked.

"Would you stop being so pushy? I'll do this when I'm ready okay?" Olivia asked.

"Well if you want me to take a picture…I have to go to the courthouse in an hour." Casey said. "So hurry up."

Olivia sighed and began pushing herself off the ground. The process was slow but she finally got into a rhythm and was eventually in the air. At first she felt uncomfortable and she couldn't think, all she could hear was the children running and screaming around her.

But as she got higher and higher in the air her walls started to crash down. She closed her eyes and let her head fall back slightly as the wind whipped threw her hair. She could hear the sound of the wind in her ear, and the slow steady breathing from herself.

Soon the sound of the children was gone and all she could hear was the air and her breath. It was amazing how liberating this made her feel, she felt light and free and like she could do anything. All the pain she had ever felt seemed to just disappear with the wind as she got higher and higher in the sky.

A smile grew on her face and she felt like a kid again, except she could never do this as a kid. She asked her Mom countless times to take her to the park but she never did and at school she didn't have many friends. They all knew who were mother was so there parents told them to stay away. Mostly she sat in the corner of the playground by herself during recess until the bell rang signaling it was time to go back in.

She couldn't remember the last time she felt so alive, she was so lost in her own world it took a few minutes for her to register Casey calling her name. Her head snapped back up and she looked at her friend, shocked by how much she had just enjoyed that moment.

"Huh?" Olivia asked.

"You've been swinging for like twenty minutes now…" Casey said. "Kids are waiting."

Olivia let her feet drag on the ground to make the swing stop. "Twenty minutes? What? No…I was only swinging for like a minute."

"Nope…twenty minutes." Casey said. "Are you okay?"

Olivia stood up, her legs felt shaky on the hard ground again as she walked towards Casey. "Yeah…yeah I'm fine."

"You looked like you were enjoying yourself." Casey said smiling. "So maybe Elliot's request wasn't that strange after all…"

Olivia smiled and looked back at the swing. "Maybe not…"

"Come on. I'll buy you a cup of coffee." Casey said smiling knowing that Elliot was finally breaking through that stone heart of Olivia's…even though he was thousands of miles away.

* * *

><p>The next day, Olivia got up and showered before sitting down at her kitchen table with a cup of coffee to read the third request. She opened the envelope and read what the note said:<p>

_Did you enjoy your time at the park? Today's request is a bit more involved. Go down to Mahoney's and guy a tree that you can plant. Then go to the public garden, buy a piece of land and plant the tree in the ground. Take a picture of the tree and make sure you go back every now and then to check on it. Have fun._

Olivia put the note down on the table and took another sip of her coffee. She picked up her cell phone and called Casey.

"Hello friend." Casey said. "What's on the agenda for day three?"

"How much do you know about gardening?" Olivia asked.

"Gardening?" Casey asked. "What does he want you to do?"

"Plant a tree in the public garden. Want to come with me?" She asked.

"Sure. I'll swing by and pick you up and then we can go get the tree at Mahoney's." Casey said. "See you soon."

"Great. Call me when you get here." Olivia said before going to change into comfy clothes.

An hour later, Olivia and Casey were on there way to the public garden, a small oak tree ready to be planted in the ground was in the back of the car. Casey was driving as Olivia sat in the passenger seat taking in the surroundings.

"So…how are you doing?" Casey asked her friend.

Olivia looked over at her and shrugged. "Fine. Why?"

"Two days ago I went to your apartment and found you in bed…looking like you hadn't moved in days. I know that this is hard for you…that you're going through some stuff. Just because Elliot isn't here…doesn't mean you can't talk to me about it all." Casey said.

Olivia smiled. "I'm just…kind of confused I guess. I mean…this whole thing Elliot left for me to do…what's the point?"

"The point is for you to figure out what you want in life I think." Casey said.

"Does anyone ever really know what they want?" Olivia asked laughing.

Casey smiled. "I want a mansion in the Hampton's…a drop dead beautiful husband, two kids and to have no scum bags left in the world."

Olivia looked at her. "Well the last part…I don't think that will ever happen. The rest…sounds nice. Never pictured you for a Hampton's kind of girl…"

Casey shrugged. "We're all full of surprises aren't we?" She paused. "What about you? What do you really want?"

Olivia sighed. "At the moment? I would really love some peace and quiet…I'd love for my brain to just shut off for more than five minutes at a time."

"Wouldn't we all like that? But no seriously…I mean what do you really want in life?" Casey asked. "There has to be something…"

Olivia pulled her legs up on the set and rested her head on her knees. "I want to be a mother."

Casey looked over at her friend as they stopped at a red light. "You'll make an amazing mother Olivia…"

Olivia laughed. "At this rate…it's never going to happen. My biological clock is ticking…I hate that saying but it is. And it's not like I'm married…"

"You have Elliot. "Casey said. "I mean when he comes back…maybe you two will get together for real and then get married."

"Yeah but he already has kids with Kathy? Do you really think he's going to want to go through that again? I'm sure he's done with that…I know he loves his kids but why would he want more?" Olivia asked.

"He'd clearly do anything to make you happy." Casey said.

Olivia looked out the window. "I wouldn't need a ton of kids to make me happy…just one or two ya know?"

"A little Elliot and a little Olivia…just what the world needs." Casey teased.

Olivia smirked. "Shut up."

"I want kids like I said…but I gotta be honest…the whole pregnancy and labor thing scares the shit out of me." Casey said.

Olivia smiled. "Yeah me too. But I figure…women have been doing it since the beginning of time. And…I've seen some pretty terrible things in my life. If I can survive that stuff…I should be able to survive child birth right?"

"True." Casey said. "Well like I said…you'd make an amazing mother."

Olivia smiled at her friend. "You too."

They stopped talking until they got to the garden Olivia carried the tree to a large open area. She didn't know much about planting, and didn't exactly know how far she had to dig or if she would do it right. But she figured it couldn't be that hard, so she started digging while Casey watched. When the base of the tree and its roots fit in the ground, she placed it in the whole and began packing the dirt around it when heard the click of the camera flash.

"How terrible do I look in that picture?" Olivia asked looking over at Casey.

Casey smiled. "A little sweaty…but you've looked worse."

"Gee thanks." Olivia said laughing as she packed the rest of the dirt around it. "So…now what?"

Casey smiled and reached for a nearby hose. "Water it?"

Olivia did as Casey said and then stood up to stare at the tiny tree. She couldn't really figure out what Elliot wanted her to do with this particular assignment. With the first two, she had found meaning in them when she was able to express some sort of emotion. But as she stared at the tree…she felt that it was just that…a tree.

"I don't get what this is supposed to mean…" Olivia said. "How am I supposed to feel?"

Casey walked to stand beside her. "When I think of gardening…I think about life."

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked. "They're just plants…"

"But they have a life span too right?" Casey asked. "I mean they start as seeds...then they grow into a flower…or a tree. They give food to other living things…and then they produce seeds to make new plants. And eventually…when their time has come…they die. Just like the rest of us."

Olivia thought about what Casey said and looked at the tree again. Sure right now it was small…but someday it would be tall, wide and beautiful. It would be a home to birds, squirrels and other animals and provide food for them too. It would create shade for people who were walking through the garden and it's branches, leaves and acorns would produce the seed to make a new tree. And then when it was old, it would finally not be able to stand up to the seasons and human and animal contact anymore and it would slowly shrivel away and die until it stopped blooming.

Someday someone would probably tear it down, turn it into paper or lumber, maybe even fire wood. This tree symbolized life, love, parenthood, the need to protect and take care of other people and things. It symbolized pain, strength, perseverance and most importantly it symbolized possibility.

She finally understood what Elliot was trying to get her to see. He was trying to show her how beautiful and complex life could be. This tree symbolized in some ways their relationship, and how it grew from something small to something big, something neither of them could control nor deny. Like the tree, they took care of one another, comforted, loved and nourished one another. And like the tree, they two were growing and changing with each passing day…and eventually they too would die.

The tree showed Olivia that there was no time like the present, that you don't always know what tomorrow is going to bring. You need to do everything you've ever wanted while you still can…even if it scares you.

Olivia smiled at the tiny tree and was finally starting to think that this little plan of Elliot's…wasn't as crazy as she originally though it was going to be.

* * *

><p>By the next morning, Olivia was excited to read what the next piece of paper would ask her to do. As soon as she was awake she reached for the letter and turned to today's assignment.<p>

_I hope you're enjoying yourself so far. Today's assignment will take almost all day. First you need to call in sick, and then you need to spend all day…even if it isn't a nice day…watching people in the city. Walk down familiar streets, and unfamiliar streets. Sit in the park…grab a bite to eat…even go to a movie theater if you want. Observe people…look at your surroundings and how they affect the people you are watching. Are they alone? Or are they with others? Look at their faces…do they seem happy…sad? Or maybe they are deep in thought...How do they make you feel? Even talk to a few people if you want too. Please take all day to do this…not just a few hours. You'll get it when you're done._

Olivia put the piece of paper down and lay in bed for a moment thinking about Elliot's request. She sighed and rolled out of bed to face the day before calling Cragen. He had no problem with her request because apparently he had already been warned this would happen every so often with the letter that Elliot had sent him. Casey was busy working today so this would be a mission she did on her own.

When she was dressed she walked out of her building and made her way towards her favorite coffee and bagel shop. After she ordered, she sat at a corner table and looked around. There was a long line of people waiting to be served, some tall, some short, some thin, some fat. Some were well dressed, others weren't, some looked very impatient while others seemed content.

She looked at one particular man, he had a long trench coat on, a brief case in hand and she could just see a tie underneath his jacket. His hair was slicked back and he stared straight ahead towards the woman taking orders. He barely blinked, just stared as if he was bored or had nothing better to do.

She thought about what his life was like, did he have a wife or kids? His ring finger was facing away from her so she couldn't tell. Was he always this serious? Or did he ever take a minute to enjoy life? In some ways…he reminded her of herself. She wasn't nearly as formal as he was but he seemed as if he was stuck in a rut. It was clear that his job was very important to him by the way he dressed and acted.

Sometimes it felt like the only thin in her life was her job. Did people see her this way? Closed off and indifferent? She hoped not…she wanted to be seen as open, caring and happy…but she had a feeling that's not what she always portrayed. When she finished her breakfast, she left the coffee house and walked down the road until she came to a small duck pond and she sat on a bench to observe the people there.

There was a mother sitting at the edge of the water with what she assumed was her daughter. She laughed as the young girl threw pieces of bread for the ducks and they came swarming for a bite to eat. The little girl jumped up and down happily as the ducks quacked and swam around to eat the food she was throwing. It made Olivia smile to see the innocence of this child, too often she saw nothing but sad, broken children…or worse children that were dead.

She stayed for about an hour before moving on to her next location. She walked into Central Park and observed all the different types of people there. There were people running, biking and roller blading, others were walking dogs or pushing baby carriages. Couples walked hand in hand, while others walked alone.

"Are you looking for something dear?" An old lady asked from Olivia's right.

Olivia looked over at her, she looked like she had been through a lot in her life. She was short, chubby with rosy cheeks, and curly white hair. She had a long floral dress on, black shoes and a tan coat. She also rested her hand on a cane that she used to help her walk around. She looked tired, but Olivia could tell that she was tough, that she didn't put up with crap and that she never gave up no matter what came her way.

"Oh…I…" Olivia stared, she didn't know how to explain her situation.

The woman smiled. "You looked like you were thinking…did I interrupt a deep thought there?"

Olivia smiled. "Kind of…but that's okay. I've been over thinking lately."

The woman nodded. "Most people do…especially women."

Olivia laughed. "I suppose you're right…"

"Would you mind helping me over to that bench dear? I've been walking for awhile and my knees are beginning to hurt. The hazards of getting old you know…" She said winking.

Olivia smiled and walked closer to her and took her arm. "Of course."

When they were both seated on the bench the woman looked at her. "My name is Abigail James." The woman said. "And you are?"

"Olivia Benson." Olivia said smiling. "It's very nice to meet you."

"Likewise." Abigail asked.. "So…would you care to tell me about that intense thought you were having? Sometimes it helps to share them with other people…"

Olivia smiled. "It's all rather complicated…"

Abigail smiled. "Well lucky for you…I've got time."

Olivia looked around the park again. "Um…you see I'm a Detective for the Manhattan Special Victims Unit. I've been working there…well for a really long time and lately I've been wondering if I want to stay or change jobs. But my partner…he thinks this is what I was born to do. Help people…"

Abigail smiled. "Well you helped me over to this bench and you don't even know me…so maybe he's right."

Olivia looked over at Abigail and smiled. "Maybe…"

"Have you had the same partner for a long time?" Abigail asked.

Olivia nodded. "Since I started the job…he's my best friend."

Abigail stared at her for a moment. "Ah…I can tell by the look on your face that you care more about him than just in a friendly manner."

Olivia smiled. "Yeah…I do."

"So where is he? Why isn't he here with you?" She asked. "Is he married?"

"Divorced." Olivia said. "He's currently away on business…"

Abigail nodded. "Does he feel the same?"

Olivia sighed. "I wasn't sure for awhile…but we kissed recently. He says he loves me but I don't know…"

"I married my High School sweetheart." Abigail said smiling. "Aiden McCormack."

Olivia stared at her for a moment. "I thought your last name was James?"

Abigail nodded. "It is…Aiden and I were only married for three years before he was killed. He was in the service you see…he died in Vietnam."

Olivia swallowed hard. "I'm so sorry…"

Abigail smiled. "I was heart broken when he died…but I had a daughter. I needed help…so I remarried. Brian James was my second husband…"

"Did you love him?" Olivia asked.

Abigail shook her head. "No. But he had money…and he was willing to marry me even though I had a daughter. So I guess it didn't really matter…"

"You've always loved Aiden." Olivia said. "I can see it in your face."

Abigail reached for her neck and pulled out a gold chain with a simple diamond ring on it. "Oh yes…Aiden was and always will be the love of my life. Brian…wasn't half the man that Aiden was. He was a business man…went to work everyday and went out after with his buddies and had a few scotches. Then when he came home…he beat the crap out of me…our children too. We had four children together…three boys and a girl. But the daughter I had with Aiden…he hated her. Beat her harder than he beat me…but there was nothing I could do about it back then." She looked over at Olivia. "Cops weren't as attentive as you cops are these days…"

"Why didn't you leave?" Olivia asked. "Didn't you have anywhere else you could go stay with? Family?"

Abigail shook her head. "My parents died when I was young…I lived with my Grandparents. By the time I was married they were dead…and I didn't have any siblings. Aiden…was my only link to my old life. When he was gone…the only thing I had to live for was my daughter…and then my four other children. I stayed so they would have a roof over their heads…The times were different…women didn't have the opportunities you have today."

Olivia stared at her for a moment. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that…you seem like a very strong and passionate woman. You clearly did everything you could for your children…but why are you telling me all this? You don't even know me…"

Abigail smiled. "I guess I'm telling you this because you are in love…and there is nothing more important or pure as love. So when you find it…you can't ever let it go. I see fear in your eyes…a sense of discomfort. You're afraid that taking this step would change everything in your life…don't' be. Let yourself be loved. I may not know you that well but I can tell that you're a strong independent woman…a woman who deserves to be happy."

Olivia shook her head. "Thank you."

Abigail shrugged. "Don't thank me yet…you have to find your happiness first. Now if you'll excuse me…I'm supposed to watch my granddaughters soccer game further down this way. I hope you find what you're looking for…"

Olivia smiled. "Your grand children are luck to have you as their grandmother."

"Oh well…children are our best hope for the future. I'll be there for each and every one of them until the day the good Lord takes me from this Earth." Abigail said as Olivia helped her stand up. "You have a wonderful day."

"You too." Olivia said as she watched the woman walk away before remembering something. "Oh wait!"

The woman turned to look at her. "Yes dear?"

"Would you mind taking a picture with me?" Olivia asked.

Abigail smiled. "Sure."

Olivia found another person who took the picture of Olivia and Abigail by the park bench before she said goodbye again. Olivia smiled as she went and she turned around to face the rest of the day. She walked through a shopping complex, the harbor, a museum, office building, restaurants, libraries and public places. She saw old people, young people, couples and people alone and finally began to understand this lesson.

There are billions of people on this planet and you never know who they are or what they've been through until you take a minute to talk to them. Just by looking at a person you can make up your own assumption but you'll never know their story unless they are willing to share it.

She had to be willing to share her story with others, or she would never be able to love or be loved. She was so closed off, she had to be more like Abigail and willing to share her life with the people in her life. If she didn't…she would always be alone.

She walked through the city until the wee hours of the night before walking back home. She changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed, exhausted from walking she slipped into a peaceful and happy sleep. Her dreams were filled with possibilities of a future with Elliot.

She couldn't wait until tomorrow…

* * *

><p><strong>So what did you think? Let me know and submit a review :) <strong> 


	3. Days 5 and 6

**Hey guys...sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I've been busy with work and some family drama that I had to deal with...so I haven't had time to write. But here is the next chapter and I hope that you like it. **

* * *

><p>By day five, Olivia wanted nothing more than to talk to Elliot but she had no idea where he was. When she woke up, she read the note for today to see what Elliot had planned for her today.<p>

_Good morning. How did you sleep? Hopefully well. Today, I want you to go to work. Your assignment is for later tonight. After work go to the grocery store and buy ingredients for a dish you have always wanted to make but have never tried to make before. I don't care what it is as long as you take the time to actually attempt to make it, if you burn it or ruin it…who cares. At least you tried._

Olivia got out of bed, showered and had her coffee before going to work. She walked into the precinct wishing that she could see Elliot's face at his desk but of course it was empty. She sighed and sat down at her desk, dreading the rest of the day and trying to think about what she was going to make tonight.

"Morning Olivia." Cragen said walking over to her desk.

Olivia smiled. "Morning Captain."

"How are you?" He asked. "Casey says you've been very busy lately."

Olivia laughed. "Don't act like you don't know what's going on..."

Cragen shrugged. " Okay fine…you're right. I know exactly what's going on. How's it going so far?"

Olivia was quiet for a moment. "I'm still a little confused as to why he's having me do this…but with each thing he asks me to do I learn a little more about myself I guess."

"Well that's the point isn't it?" Cragen asked. "He wants you to really get to know yourself while he's away."

Olivia stared at Cragen for a moment. "Can I ask you something?"

Cragen sat down on the edge of her desk and nodded. "Shoot."

Olivia took a deep breath. "When you look at me…what do you see?"

Cragen smiled and looked down. "Hm…well…I see one of the best detectives I've ever had. I see a woman who is stronger and braver then most of the men in here…"

Olivia shook her head. "But you see something else too…"

Cragen nodded. "I see a woman who is hiding a lot of pain because she feels that to show her emotions would make her look weak. I see woman who doesn't realize just how amazing she actually is…and I see a woman who needs to cut herself some slack before she completely falls apart."

Olivia smiled. "So I'm not as good of an actress as I think huh?"

Cragen laughed. "No…you're good. For people who don't know you that well…I'm sure they think you have it all together. But for people like me…people like Elliot, Fin, Munch and Casey…we see you for who you really are. And we want you to be happy Olivia…we want you to let go of your fears and just live your life."

Olivia leaned back in her chair. "This is all just…weird."

Cragen smiled. "You never do like to do things out of your comfort zone."

"No…I guess not." Olivia said. "You have no idea when Elliot will be back do you?"

Cragen shook his head. "No. I don't."

"Do you even know where he is?" Olivia asked hopefully.

"I have an idea…but I can't tell you what I know. You know that…" Cragen said sympathetically.

Olivia smiled. "Yeah…I thought I'd give it a shot."

Cragen just shook his head and smiled. "I know. You know if you want to take more time off…"

Olivia shook her head. "No. No…I need a distraction. Work is good for me."

Cragen nodded. "Alright. Well if you change your mind…"

Olivia smiled. "I'll keep that in mind."

"Good. But for now…Fin's in the interrogation room, mind helping him?" Cragen asked.

Olivia nodded. "Sure thing."

Olivia walked towards the interrogation room where Casey was listening into the conversation between Fin and the perp. "Hey you." Casey said.

Olivia smiled. "Morning."

"No assignment from Elliot today?" Casey asked.

"After work." Olivia said smiling. "He wants me to attempt to make a dish I've never tried to make but wanted to make before."

Casey raised her eyebrow. "I've never thought of you as much of a cook…"

Olivia smirked. "Gee thanks…"

Casey laughed. "Sorry…what are you going to make?"

Olivia sighed. "I don't really know…I mean I've always wanted to make apple pie…"

"Going the desert route eh? I hear that's harder than regular food…" Casey said.

Olivia shrugged. "Whatever. We'll see how it goes…"

Casey laughed. "Oh I wanna see this…"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'm going to go help Fin…I'll help talk to you about it later."

Casey nodded. "Sounds good."

* * *

><p>After work, Olivia and Casey went to the store to get all the ingredients needed to make an apple pie. She was even going to attempt to make the crust from scratch while Casey watched. When they got back to her apartment, they looked up exactly how to make it and Olivia set to work. After throwing out a couple of the dough's for the crust, she finally made one she seemed to like. She lined the pie plate with it and then went to work on the apples.<p>

"So still no word from Elliot huh?" Casey asked sipping her glass of wine.

Olivia sighed. "No…he said he would try to call. But you know how it is…"

Casey nodded. "Yeah. How are you feeling about all of this today?"

Olivia smiled. "I don't know…it's still strange but it's nice to have something to occupy my time."

Casey smirked. "Yes we all know Elliot was the one thing that occupied your time before he left…"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Oh shush."

"Just calling it like I see it." Casey said taking another sip of her wine. "So what do you think you're supposed to learn from this cooking lesson?"

Olivia continued to chop the apples and shrugged. "I don't really know…"

"I've always thought that you had to have patience to be able to cook…so maybe that's what you're supposed to learn?" Casey asked.

Olivia added the rest of the ingredients to the apples and began mixing them together. "Maybe…"

"Well it smells good so far." Casey said. "Who knows…maybe you'll find a new career in this."

Olivia laughed. "Oh yes…I'll go from a sex crimes detective to a baker."

"You never know." Casey said smiling.

"Okay…" Olivia poured the apple filling into the bottom crust and smiled. "Now I just have to put the top crust on."

"Go for it." Casey said.

Olivia lifted the pie crust she had rolled out up and placed it over the top of the pie, she cut the excess off and pinched it onto the sides like it said to do in the instructions. She slit holes in the top to let out the heat and then sprinkled sugar on top of it and smiled at Casey.

"Look at me…I'm like Betty Crocker!" Olivia said.

Casey laughed. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves here friend…"

Olivia put the pie in the preheated oven and set the timer before getting her glass of wine and sat down beside Casey. "You know it's been really hard to not read ahead in Elliot's letter…"

"You just want to see if there is anything you will refuse to do." Casey said rolling her eyes.

Olivia laughed. "Yeah you're probably right…"

"If Elliot does call while he's away…what are you going to say to him?" Casey asked.

Olivia took a sip of her wine and thought about it for a moment. "I don't really know…I mean do I talk to him about the kiss? Or do I pretend like it never happened…"

"I guess you could just let him bring it up." Casey said. "Might be easier that way."

"Yeah you're probably right." Olivia said.

They two friends talked for awhile until they heard the timer go off on the oven. Olivia got up and got out her oven mitt before reaching in to get the pie. Olivia smiled as she placed it on the counter and looked over at Casey.

"Well it looks good…" Olivia said. "That's a good sign right?"

"Yep. But the taste test is the most important…" Casey said.

Olivia cut two pieces of pie and plated them, handing one to Casey and keeping one for herself. They let them cool for a few minutes before they each put a fork in to take a bit.

Olivia put the piece in her mouth and immediately spit it out. "What the hell?"

Casey grimaced. "Um…did you use sugar or salt?"

Olivia looked down at the pie. "Oh shit…"

Casey started laughing hysterically, Olivia looked sad for a minute before she just shook her head and started to laugh too. She was hoping the pie would be good but clearly she had messed up. But it was the first time that she had ever attempted to make a pie, or really cook at all. So who cares? At least she had tried…

Casey was right that cooking taught you patience, but it also was a way to show you that it was okay that not everything has to be perfect. Because the truth of the matter is life isn't perfect…but as long as you try then that's all that matters.

As the two friends laughed and shared their wine Olivia continued to look forward to the rest of Elliot's lessons. And she hoped that he would call her soon…

* * *

><p>The next morning Olivia woke up earlier than usual, she figured she was excited to see what Elliot had to say today. When she looked at the note, she smiled just because she had seen his hand writing.<p>

_How did the cooking go? You'll have to try again when I get home. Today go to work again and then tonight…take a glass of wine up to the roof and star gaze for at least an hour. Bring some music if you want, but go alone and just enjoy the view. Have fun, wish I could enjoy it with you._

Olivia felt her heart skip a beat at the last part and wished that he could be there too. She got ready for work and then went to Starbucks to get everyone coffee.

"I come bearing gifts." Olivia said as she set the coffee down on her desk.

"You are the best." Munch said picking up the cup labeled with his name on it. "Casey told us about your cooking adventures last night."

Olivia smiled. "Yeah…lets just say I won't be opening a bakery anytime soon."

"All my ex-wife's used to say I was quite the cook." Munch said.

Fin picked up his coffee. "You sure about that? I mean you've been divorced a few times now partner…if you were such a good cook why would they leave?"

"Why'd your wife leave?" Munch asked raising an eyebrow.

"It's called the hazards of the job. Same reason Kathy left Elliot…" Fin said.

"Do you think it's possible to have a career and good relationship?" Olivia asked.

Munch nodded. "It's possible…but you have to work hard at it."

"If you're worried about you and Elliot…I wouldn't. I mean you guys know each other so well and you're both detectives. You know how this lifestyle is…how this career works. I think you'll be fine." Fin said.

Olivia laughed. "Okay…well Elliot and I aren't even really together yet so lets not jump into talking about our relationship."

"Oh please…you guys are totally going to be together as soon as he gets back." Fin said rolling his eyes.

Olivia shook her head and walked away. "We'll see…"

That night when the sun went down and the moon was high in the sky Olivia took her wine and her iPod to the roof. She sat down on one of the chairs up there and relaxed after a long day at work. She poured herself a glass of wine and turned on her iPod and looked up at the sky.

She had done this a lot…sitting on the roof but she was trying to think about things differently tonight. She took a sip of her wine and stared up at the huge sky in front of her, she started to feel really small. She never thought about how big the universe was compared to the city of New York. Sometimes she felt like this was the only place where people lived…but there was so much more out there.

Just as she was really beginning to think about the sky and herself, her cell phone rang. She sighed thinking it was Cragen calling her to come back into work but she didn't recognize the number. She thought about not answering but curiosity got the best of her.

"Hello?" She said.

_"I was afraid you wouldn't answer an unknown number." The voice said on the other end._

Olivia sat up in her chair and smiled when she heard the voice. "Elliot?"

_"Expecting a call from someone else?" He asked, she could practically see the smirk that was obviously on his face._

She felt her heart begin to beat faster. "It's so good to hear your voice."

_"It's good to hear your voice too." Elliot said. "How are you? Did you get my letter?"_

Olivia smiled. "I did…"

_"And are you actually following through with the instructions or are you ignoring it?" He asked. "I know how you can be very stubborn…"_

Olivia laughed. "No…I'm actually doing everything you asked."

_"Well good." He said softly before pausing. "So…I'm really sorry that I had to run off without talking to you. I wanted to say goodbye…but I couldn't. There wasn't time."_

Olivia took a sip of her wine again. "I know…I was really shocked when Cragen said you were gone. For a second I thought you ran off because of…" She paused for a moment. "Elliot we kissed…"

_Elliot laughed. "Yeah…I was there."_

"I don't really know…what I'm supposed to say." Olivia said. "I honestly never really expected to kiss you…it kind of just happened."

_Elliot waited a moment. "Do you regret it?"_

"Well no…" Olivia said. "I wanted to kiss you. But I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable…or obligated to kiss me back. I know what you said in the letter…but it's okay if you don't want to be with me…like that."

_"See this is exactly why I wanted you to do the whole list thing…" Elliot said. "You always freak out and start too push people away. You read the letter…so you know that I love you? I don't feel obligated to do anything Liv…I want to be with you."_

"But you don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship…" Olivia said softly.

_"Do you think you're ready to be in a relationship?" Elliot asked._

Olivia sighed. "I want to be ready…but I guess I'm not."

_"If we're together…I want us to really be together Olivia. I'm not looking for just a quick hook up…especially not with you. I'm not getting any younger and neither are you…I have five kids. I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I would love for you to be my wife someday but for that to happen…I think you have a lot of soul searching to do." Elliot said. "I don't know if I could handle you pushing me away always…"_

Olivia took a sip of her wine. "I know you're not meaning too…but you're making me feel like a total failure." Olivia said. "I feel like I'm so incompetent for anything…"

_"Again…this is what I'm talking about. You're always putting yourself down…do you not realize how amazing you really are?" Elliot asked._

"If' I'm so amazing why are you sending me off on this 'soul searching' adventure as you so call it?" Olivia asked.

_"Because I want you to see what I see." Elliot said._

"Which is what exactly?" Olivia asked curiously.

_"I see a woman who is more beautiful than words can say. I see a woman who is incredibly intelligent, funny, passionate, caring and brave. Honestly when I see you with the victims…it amazes me. The way you take care of them and help them is so inspiring. I just wish you would let someone care about you that way and help you." Elliot said. "I guess with this whole list and letter…I was hoping it would be a way for me to help you."_

Olivia swallowed hard. "Well in some ways…it has helped me."

_"Oh yeah?" Elliot asked. " So you're getting the assignments and what they actually mean?"_

"I think so. I mean you may have had other reasons for me to do these things…" She asked.

_"So tell me what you think you've learned?"_Elliot asked.

"Well for example…with the tree planting it made me really look at life for what it is. Beautiful yet complex…always changing and evolving. With the cooking…I had to learn patience but also that it's okay to not be perfect all the time. When I walked around the city for the day…I met a really wonderful old woman. She told me her story…and it made me realize it's okay to open up to other people…it's not okay to hold everything in." She said.

_"Well what do you know…you actually are learning." Elliot teased. _

"Elliot when are you coming home?" Olivia asked, wanting him beside her in that moment.

_Elliot laughed. "I thought you said with cooking you learned patience…"_

"Yeah well…it's a slow process." She said leaning further into her chair.

_Elliot sighed. "Well the truth is…I don't now when I'll be home. I wish I could come home tomorrow…but I have no idea."_

"It's weird…you've been on vacation before. And I was away on an undercover assignment too…but this time feels different." Olivia said. "You've only been gone for a few days now and it already feels like forever. I miss you."

_"You have no idea how much I miss you Olivia." Elliot said._

"Do you remember what we were talking about in the cribs?" Olivia asked.

_Elliot cleared his throat. "You were saying that you weren't sure you could handle staying with the job anymore. Do you still feel that way?"_

Olivia was quiet for a moment. "Not really no…I know I want to stay. But…it's still hard sometimes."

_"I know it is." Elliot said. "What we see everyday really wears a person down…there are many days that I feel like that. When I get into bed at night I think…I can't get up and do that again tomorrow. The pain you see on all those victims faces…especially when the cases involve kids. It's overwhelming…"_

"Do you ever just stare at your kids when you get home?" Olivia asked. "I mean I know they are for the most part older now…except for Eli. But I can't imagine what it would be like if I had kids…having to see them after seeing a dead child. I think I would never be able to take my eyes off of them." Olivia said.

_"Kathy used to have to drag me from their rooms." Elliot said laughing. "I felt like if I even blinked I would miss something important…or something bad would happen. It's not easy…but feeling like I'm protecting them makes it all worth it."_

"I thought I'd be married by now…I thought I'd be a Mom." Olivia said softly.

_"It's not to late Olivia…" He said honestly._

"Maybe not…" Olivia whispered.

_"You know my kids love you." Elliot said. "They ask about you constantly…"_

"And I love your kids too." Olivia said. "But…it's not the same."

_"I have loved you for a long time now Olivia. Maybe I should have said something sooner…we could be together now. But I can't change the past. But someday…I would love to marry you and have children with you." Elliot said._

Olivia let his words sink in for a moment. "You have five kids already…"

_"So?" Elliot asked. "I love my children more than anything in the world…it can be stressful at times. But I would love to have more kids…especially with you."_

His words meant more to her than she could say…yet at the same time it scared her to death. They had only kissed once and he was thousands of miles away and now they were talking about babies and marriage.

_"Are you still there?" Elliot asked._

Olivia took a deep breath. "I'm here."

_"Did I freak you out there?" Elliot asked chuckling._

She licked her lips. "A little…"

_"Too much too fast?" Elliot asked._

"I think so." Olivia whispered. "This wasn't really how I pictured my life to go…"

_"And how did you picture your life to go?" He asked curiously._

Olivia was quiet for a moment. "Well when I was younger…I thought I would get married and be a mother at a young age. But as the years went on…I kind of just gave up on everything and figured I'd be alone the rest of my life."

_"You aren't alone." Elliot said._ _"You've never been alone…not since we've known each other. I hope you know that…"_

"I know I have you." Olivia said. "And that means more to me than anything in the world…you're my best friend Elliot. You've seen me through a lot…and I appreciate that. But…there are still things you don't really know about me."

_"I know that." Elliot said. "I've always known you've had things hidden away in that heart of yours…but with this process I hope you can finally open up to me…all the way."_

"Maybe…" Olivia whispered. "But I have a feeling I have a few more lessons to learn from you before I can do that."

_Elliot chuckled. "At least you can admit that."_

"This would be so much easier if you were here with me." Olivia said. "I mean Casey has been great…she's helped me through everything. But…I still wish you were here."

_"I may not have an exact date. But I'm sure I'll be home before you know it…" Elliot whispered. "But I actually have to go…my time is up with the phone."_

Olivia sighed. "Okay…will you be able to call again?"

_"I'm not sure." Elliot said._

"Just…do me a favor and be safe." Olivia said. "I know you can't tell me about the case…but I do worry about you. You have to come home in one piece if we want to be together."

_"There is nothing I want more." Elliot said. "I promise I'll be safe."_

"Bye El…" She whispered.

_"Goodbye Olivia." Elliot said before hanging up._

Olivia sighed and put her phone down, she leaned her head back on the chair and stared up at the dark sky above her. It had been so good to hear Elliot's voice…but after he had said goodbye she was beginning to miss him even more if that was possible. She knew that in a way this was good for them…they needed to grow before they could actually be together.

And yet it would have been so much easier if he was with her. But that's always the way she wanted things…easy. But life wasn't easy and she just had to accept that finally and push forward with her life if she wanted to be happy. She took a deep breath and stared up at the stars above her.

Seeing how enormous the sky was and how many stars there were she was beginning to feel so small. Sometimes she felt like she was the only person in the world that had hard times. But right now tin this moment she realized how small she really was…she felt like she made a difference everyday with her job. But she also knew there were many people like her out there doing the same thing…and more.

Suddenly she understood this lesson, it was to realize not only how big the world was but also how much possibility actually lay at her feet. She could do anything she wanted if she really put her mind too it.

Even with her relationship with Elliot…they could make it work if she really wanted it too. And she did want it to work. She wanted nothing more than to be with Elliot Stabler…the thought terrified her yet excited her. Even though she didn't know when he was coming home she knew that she had a lot to work through before he came back. And she made a conscious decision in that moment to do her best to learn everything he wanted her to learn so that they could be together. This was finally her time to be happy…and she wasn't going to let this slip through her fingers. She'd waited long enough…

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><p><strong>So what did you think? I hope you liked it...let me know and review! I will try and update as soon as possible both this story and "Before It's Too Late" Much Love :) <strong> 


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